The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window, waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
It is near the end of the school day. The teacher has turned in her grades and there is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because they have nothing to do and it is near the end of the school year. The teacher says to her class, "Whoever is
the first to answer the questions I ask can go home early."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll be first to answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said four Score and Seven Years Ago?" Before johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."
Johnny was mad. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, I Have a Dream?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go."
Johnny was even madder than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said ask not, what your country can do for you..." Just as Johnny was about to answer, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was boiling mad. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back to write something on the board, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher, obviously angry, turns around quickly and asks, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
There was a Russian ambassordor and an African ambassadaor. One day the African visited Russia. When the two ambassadors were walking down the streets they saw 5 guys playing rush-n-rulet. The last guy that tried to get into the gang blew his head off. The African was quite impressed with this new dangerous game. The Russian didn't respond. So about two years later the Afrian invited the russian over to visit his country. The African was so exicted that the russian was coming because he had invented a new more dangerous game. When the Russian got there the African showed him his new game. Here's how it went; there was five girls in a room, one man walks in and gets to pick which lady had to give him a blowjob. Now, the Russinan was thinking this game wasn't so bad. He asked the African,"What's the danger in that game? It isn't so bad." The African replied,"one of the ladies is a canibal."
Technology for Country Folk...
You can count on the Red Cross to teach the proper First Aid procedures.Two Cowboys were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a fewstools away began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blueand obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Cowboy turns to the other and says, "That thar gal's having a real bad time! "The other agreed and asked, "Think we should go on over and help?" "You bet ya," said the first, and with that he ran over and asked, "Can ya breathe??" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can ya speak??" She again shook her head no. At that point, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. Back to his friend the Cowboy said, "Funny how that 'hind lick' maneuver" always works.
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft" The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent." "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?" A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window."
A guy with no arms goes to a church looking for work. The parson says,"I need someone to ring this bell. Can you do it?" The man says,"Watch this!", and he runs at the bell and strikes it with his face. B O N G !!! "Okay, you're hired!" The next day, a visiting minister is walking up the stairs to the church just as a man with no arms comes flying out the belfry and on to the concrete below. The visiting minister turns to the parson and says,"Who is this man?" The parson replies, "I'm not sure but his face rings a bell!"
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man had an enormous penis. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The Farmer said, "Yea, I want one those dayvorce's." The Attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The Attorney said, "No you don't understand, do you have a case?" The Farmer said, "No I don't have a Case, but I have A John Deere." The Attorney said, No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge." The Farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The Attorney said, "No do you have a suit?" The Farmer said "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays." The Attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The Farmer said, "No sire, we both get up about 4:30." The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?" The Farmer said, "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
This guy walks into a bar and sees a large clear barrel almost full with $100 dollar bills. Above it on the wall there is a sign that says "contest, see bartender for details." The man, interested in the contest immediately goes to the bartender asks about the contest. "So, What's up with the contest," the man said. "Give me a hundred dollar bill, and you do three things in the order that I tell, and if you finish all of them then you win the whole barrel of $100 dollar bills" said the bartender. The man, very interested in the contest said yes. "The first thing you have to do is knock that guy on the stool over there square on his ass with a punch, the second thing you have to do is remove an abscessed (screwed up) tooth from a bear in a cage out in the alley, the third thing you have to do is give a 70 year old women an orgasm." So the man walks over to the guy and punches him square on the chin knocking him on his ass and out cold. The man then went out in the alley to remove the tooth from the bear. A couple minutes later, in the bar, all you could hear was the guy screaming in the alley, and then the bear would let out one big growl. After about a good 10 minutes of this, you hear one big growl let out by the bear, and then immediately, you hear the man let out a fatal scream as if he was dying."Looks like another one," said the bartender to a regular in the bar. Right after he said this, the alley door flung open and the man appeared with a torn up shirt and half ripped pants with a couple scratches accross his body. The man very surprised at the mood of everyone was in, said "Where's the 70 year old women with the abscessed tooth?"
There's this inventor who was experimenting with making an apple that tastes like something else. So, he makes an apple that tastes like a Candy bar. He asks his brother to try it. His brother goes, "whooah! This tastes exactly like a candy bar, but I don't think people will buy it, they'll just buy a candy bar instead. So the next day he makes an apple that tastes like a steak. He gives it to his brother. "This tastes exactly like a steak but I don't think people will go for it, they'll just buy a steak instead," his brother replied. So the next day he makes an apple that tastes like a women. His brother tries it and says, "This is gross, it tastes like shit!" The inventor says "Oh yeah, turn it around!"
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "Your right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm".
If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it then who will notify the next of kindling?
A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
This guy goes in a clock shop & pulls his WILLY out & puts it on the counter. The clerk say O my god, what are you doing? The man says, "This is a clock shop isn't it? Can you put a couple of hands & a face on this?
A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. The bartender felt sorry for the man so he said "what's bothering you buddy?" The man said "well, I caught my wife with my best friend." The bartender said "damn, what did you do to her?" He said "I kicked her out of the house." The bartender said "what did you do to your best friend?" The man said "I took him into the other room and I said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!!!
Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile until finally one of the boys said "I wish I could do that?" The other little boy said "He'd bite you!"
Jesus, Mother Mary and a cloaked man are playing golf. Jesus tees off and gets a hole-in-one. Mother Mary tees off and gets a hole-in-one. The cloaked man tees off and misses the green completely and goes into the water-trap. A fish spurts the ball out of the water, a bird catches it and gives it to a squirrel, who drops it in the hole. Jesus says "Dad, are you going to play golf, or what?"
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
You heard that Hertz dropped O.J.'s commercial contract, but did you hear that Taco Bell hired him? Yeah, for their Run for the Border commercials!
A Nurse walks by a Doctor and says, "Hey Doc, How come you have a thermometer behind your ear?" The Doctor responds, "Darn, some patient has got my pen!"
Some old cattlemen were bragging about some of the long cattle drives they had been involved in during their lives. Each tale bettered the others until finally came the best of them all. "Well" bragged one old timer "I took part in a drive that took 400 head right from Texas to London, England!" There was a brief silence before one of the others asked "How did you get across the Atlantic?" Quick as lightening came the reply "Didn't go that way!"
Irishman driving down the road, got pulled over by a policeman, policeman said," you're drunk.", the driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."
Irishman driving down the road, got pulled over by a policeman, policeman said, "your wife fell out the car 5 miles back, the man replied, " thank god for that" i'd thought i'd gone deaf!"
Did you hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red and black paints. Yeah the whole crew was marooned.
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
Did you hear about the ice-fisherman that went for the BIG CATCH - a polar bear?! Yeah, he cut a hole in the ice, carefully laid peas around the edge of the hole and waited. When the bear came to take a pea, the fisherman kicked him in the ice-hole.
Two guys from Kentucky going into Cincinnati for a ball game. They cross the bridge going over the Ohio river and they see a sign that reads "Ohio left". So they turn around and go back to Kentucky.
There was a Mouse walking through the forest, and hs suddenly heard a huge cry for help off to his left. It was an Elephant stuck way down in a pit. The Elephant asked the mouse to help him out, reminding him of his wonderful memory, and that he could be a good friend when the mouse was in need. Well, the mouse liked that idea, so he went and got his Corvette, hooked it up to the elephant, and pulled him out of the pit. They didn't see each other for a few weeks, but then the elephant was walking through the forest, and he heard the mouse crying for help! Wouldn't you know it, the poor little thing was stuck in a pit, Corvette nowhere in sight. The elephant told the mouse not to worry, that he'd get him out in a flash. He stuck his trunk down into the pit, but try as the mouse might, he couldn't reach it. Then the elephant got an idea. He sat down, and started to think about his favorite girlfriend elephant, and promptly got a raging hard-on. He stuck that down into the pit, the mouse grabbed hold, and the elephant pulled him out. Do you know what the moral of this story is? *If your dick's big enough, you don't need a Corvette.
A doctor approached his attorney friend and said, "Sam, I've got this problem. If I'm at a party or a church or whatever, people always are telling me about their sore backs or their kid's runny nose. I don't mind giving medical advise, it is my job afterall, but I feel like I'm getting cheated out of my fees. I'm giving them the same advise I would give them in my office. Would it be legal or ethical for me to bill them for this?" "Absolutely," replied the attorney, "That'll be $200."
Have you heard the one about the two nuns in the supermarket? The first nun wanted to buy only one banana, but then the other nun said: letīs buy two, and eat one of them!!
If you divorce your wife in Georgia, is she still your cousin?
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his slicer? he got a litle behind in his work...
There was this 78 year old lady in Florida who wanted to work for one of those topless restaurants. Of course, none of them would hire her, so she sued. She won and they had to hire her. But the manager fired her on her first day on the job. Yeah. Seems she came to work in a wrinkled uniform...
Two old fellows with Alzheimers disease are sitting in a room. The first fellow gets up, heads for the door, then stops. Scratching his head he states he forgot where he was going and returns to his seat. A few moments later the other gent gets up and is heading for the door. The other gent asks "Where are you going?" The first gent replies "I going out for an ice-cream". The second gent asks "Will you get me one as well?" The first gent replies in the affirmative. The second gent then states "How about an ice-cream on a sugar cone? You won't forget will you?" The first gent says "No, you want an ice-cream on a sugar cone." The gent then goes out the door. After about 20 minutes the door opens, the first gent walks in and hand the second gent a bag stating "here's your hamburger." The second gent replies "Forget the burger, where's my fries?"
You know there must be a million lame, tasteless jokes in this world, but enough about my husband's family...
This man is walking along a country road, when he sees this car coming down the road. The car runs over a rabbit in the road. The driver stops the car, gets out, and looks at the rabbit. The man who was walking along the road says "You're not just going to leave that there, are you?" The driver goes to the trunk of his car and pulls out an aerosol can and sprays its contents on the dead rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It hops another ten feet down the road, turns around and waves. It does this until it disappears from sight. The driver of the car cosses the aerosol can to the side of the road, gets in his car, and drives away. The man who had been walking down the side of the road was astounded. He ran to the side of the road and picked up the can and read the label, which said : "For hare restoration, and permanent wave."
A man walks into a bar and says to the other man, was that you're dog outside?" the second man says "Yeah, why?" The first man answers "Well, my dog just killed you're dog!" The second man sayed "Oh no! How could you let such a vicous dog out on the streets? What kind of dog do you have?" The first man replied "I have a chihuahua!" The second man asked "Well, how did you're chihuahua kill my rottwieler?!?" The first man answered You're dog tried to eat my dog and choked!"
Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters? They're moving to Sioux City.
Three rats are having a chat. The first rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat rat poison and it dosen't phase me!". The second rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat broken glass and it wouldn't phase me!". The third rat says "Look you guys are just too tough for me, I think I'll just go home and skrew the cat."
A guy in a restaurant yells to the waiter, "Hey, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter replies, "It's possible. The cook used to be a tailor."
Once upon a time there were three donut men that came to America from a foreign land. They each knew only one line of English: The first was "50 cents." The second was "Fresh, very fresh." The third was "That's okay, I don't care." Well one day a man came in the store. "How much are your donuts?" he asked. "50 cents," replied the donutman. "Are they fresh?" "Fresh, very fresh," replied the second. "I don't think I'll have one today," said the man. "That's okay, I don't care," replied the third. That evening, the donut store was robbed. The police met with the donutmen the next day to ask a few questions. "How much was stolen?" All the donutman could say was "50 cents." "Are you trying to get fresh with me?" said the cop. "Fresh, very fresh, said the second. "How would you like to go to jail?" came the question. And of course you know the answer, "THAT'S OKAY, I DON'T CARE!