Kelly's Bar Jokes


A man retired from the phone company. He researched every type of business, then decided on the whorehouse business since the product lasts a long time and can be sold over and over.
He decided to use ex telephone operators on one floor as they always knew what to say sweetly. On the second floor he used ex-nurses which would make their Johns feel safer. On the top floor he would use ex-schoolteachers to provide an answer to those wanting an intellectual conversation with their sex.
At the end of the first month he got his P/L and he found the first floor (the telephone operators) were turning a outstanding profit. The second floor (ex-nurses) were turning a fine profit. The third floor (ex-schoolteachers) were losing a lot of money.
Being a self made man he went over to learn the reason. Putting his ear at the door on the first floor he heard a huff and puff then a voice say "Your three minutes are up" Satisfied he went to the second floor and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff and then a voice said. "Are we about done? We need the bed." Satisfied he went to the third floor (ex-schoolteachers) and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff then a voice said "We're going to do it again and again until you get it right!"

A skeleton walks into the bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "A mug of beer and a mop please."
A horse walks into the bar, the barman says "why the long face?"
Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would have ducked.

As John took a shower he thought about his wedding nite but a few days off. He thought about Joy whose body he never enjoyed as she vowed to be a virgin until she was married. He thought he heard the phone and opened the shower door, finding himself mistaken he closed the door, on his penis.

The doctor said he was sorry about the wedding but John could not engage in sex for one month. The doctor made a splint from four wooden tongue suppressers and tape for the injured organ.

On the wedding nite John felt places he had never felt before. At each movement Joy would exclaim "Be careful, I've never done that before!" This went on for a few minutes then after the seventh "I've never done that before" John whipped off the sheet and exclaimed "See, mine hasn't even been uncrated yet!"

Adam was taking a walk in the garden of Eden, having his daily chat to God. The following conversation took place: Adam: Thank you so much for giving Eve to me. She's made such a difference in my life. I just have one question: Why did you have to make her so beautiful? I can't keep my eyes and my hands off her! God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so beautiful so you could love her! Satisfied with this Adam goes off to find Eve. The following day he was involved in another conversation wih God. Adam: God, I understand that you had to make Eve beautiful so I could love her, but I don't understand why you had to make her so STUPID! God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so stupid so she could love you!!!!

A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you can get AIDS from oral sex. "Yes," the pharmacist says, "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex than straight sex. You should still use a condom." "OK, I'll take one." "Will that be cash or charge?" "Just put it on my bill."

Little Johnny is attending his maths class when teacher asks him a question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your rifle, how many would be left?" "None," says Johnny, "because the rest would fly away." "well the answer is four," says teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for now: If there were three women eating ice cream cones entering a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well" said teacher, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "Not quite," says little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking......."

The best things to do at a job interview at Kelly's.

If you don't want the job.
  1. After every question, pause for several minutes looking like you are thinking very hard, and then say "I'm sorry, did you say something?"
  2. Dress extremely neat, in your best suit, put a nice dollop of mustard on your left shoulder, and then keep asking the interviewer "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" while pretending nothing is wrong.
  3. Refuse to answer any questions on the basis that they might "Find out too much."
  4. Put your feet up on the table, look at the picture of the interviewer's wife, and ask "So... who's the bitch?"
  5. Blackmail the interviewer with incriminating photos.
  6. Rub your temples and go "ohhh.... the voices....they won't stop..."
  7. Lie about everything.
  8. Fake all your references, make the phone numbers those of a pizza outlet.
  9. Make up fancy job titles. "I was the senior accountable interfacing liason documentatorperson." Refuse to explain your duties because of fear of breaching national security.
  10. Speak in a foreign language, and get agitated when they don't understand you.
  11. If the phone rings, answer it and say "I'll be right there!" and run out the door.
  12. Clip your nails, pick you teeth or do other personal hygiene.
  13. When they ask if you have a criminal record say, "there was that double homicide thing, but they couldn't make it stick."
  14. If they offer you coffee, take it. Speak to it. Make warm, cooing, gurgly noises as you drink it.
  15. Ask if you can use the phone, then call your boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about nothing in particular. Ignore the interviewer.
  16. Release small mammals and amphibians from your pockets and set them on the interviewer's desk.
  17. Rap all your answers.
  18. Ask the interviewer personal questions regarding their sex life, turn-ons, fetishes, etc.
  19. Ask the interviewer for a doobie. If he doesn't have one, offer him one.
  20. Ask the interviewer if you can get more comfortable before they ask you anything else. Undress all the way to your underwear, sit on the interviewer's lap and say "O.K! Ask away!"
  21. Listen to a walkman during the interview. Perform air guitar or drum on the interviewer's desk.
  22. Point out the interviewer's physical imperfections. "Wow, that's a big nose" or "Nice weave, buddy" or "You've _never_ considered plastic surgery?" all work well.
  23. Say, "You really look familiar...Dad?... is that you?!? After all these YEARS!!!" Break into tears and hug the interviewer.
  24. Speak like a radio disc jockey, "I started out with a BANG in 1994, staying on TOP for 10 solid weeks, but soon dropped 3 places... now I'm holding steady and the HITS just KEEP on COMING..." etc.
  25. Justify your lack of ambition with a "solid belief in the virtues of taking it easy and ignoring responsibility."
  26. Notice the interviewer's shoes. Discuss how you like them. Be insistent. Use words like 'contemporary', 'frugal', and 'majestic' in your description.
  27. Tell the interviewer that his secretary wanted to meet him in "the usual spot" and to bring "the handcuffs and other toys." Ask what that means.
  28. Ask if they ever press charges.
  29. If you have to make a presentation, use the opportunity to try out your improv stand-up comedy routine.
  30. Hum really loudly, cover your ears, look away and say "I'm not LISTENING!!! I can't HEAR you!"
  31. Everytime you refer to the interviewer, use the following words in this order: 'Champ', 'Chief', 'Swift', 'Buddy', 'Jerky', 'Dumbass', 'Freak', 'Moron', etc.
  32. Enter the interview like a prize-fighter. Wear a silk robe, bring a manager, a stool to sit on, and a bucket to spit in. Touch gloves with the interviewer before he talks to you. If the interview gets worse, punch his lights out.
  33. Impress the interviewer with your ability to answer all questions in pig latin.
  34. Answer in the form of a question.
  35. Rearrange the furniture in the interviewer's office.
  36. Ask if you can switch chairs with the interviewer. Put your feet up on the desk and then change your mind and switch back.
  37. Use as many sexual innuendos as possible in your answers. Do a lot of winking.
  38. Discuss answers with imaginary friends. Argue with them. Have them vote on issues. Storm out of the room and leave them there with the interviewer.
  39. Pray. Loudly. Make up some patron saint names and chants. Say it's a religious day and then yell "ALLAH!" or "BUDDAH" or another name and drop to your knees every five minutes.
  40. Between answers, talk beneath your breath. Mumble nasty, rude, violent sounding things. If they ask if anything is wrong, smile and say "no no no.." Then do it again.
  41. Tell the interviewer you don't want any money for your job. But tell them you simply MUST have a corporate gold Visa. Do not give out your address of phone number.
  42. Stare at the ceiling during the entire interview. When the interviewer looks up say "Made ya look!" or "Don't bother, there are 86 ceiling tiles, I already counted." or "Are you making fun of me?!?! I have a neck condition!"
  43. Ask the interviewer out on a date.

Uses for America On Line Disks
you get in the mail.

  1. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
  2. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
  3. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case
  4. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).

  5. Christmas ornaments
  6. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.

  7. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles
  8. Room dividers for hamsters.
  9. Drink coasters.
  10. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
  11. Ice scraper.
  12. Bathroom tiles.
  13. Bookmark.
  14. Mini frisbee.
  15. Air hockey puck.
  16. Dog chew toy.
  17. Pooper scooper.
  18. Grill scraper.
  19. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
  20. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
  21. Clay pigeons for target practice.
  22. Post it-notes holder.
  23. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
  24. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach.
  25. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
  26. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
  27. Hand them out as party favors.
  28. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?)
  29. Vertical blinds.
  30. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
  31. House insulation.
  32. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle
  33. Hockey Puck.
  34. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
  35. Noise maker for your bike spokes
  36. Poker chips.
  37. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
  38. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy bathroom keychain).
  39. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
  40. Grind them up to make fake snow.
  41. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
  42. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
  43. Use them to fill potholes.
  44. Hood ornament.
  45. Snow blower replacement blades
  46. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
  47. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans
  48. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties)
  49. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
  50. Pocket protector
  51. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
  52. Use them as elbow and knee pads
  53. Wax scraper for snowboards.
  54. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
  55. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
  56. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas....)
  57. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
  58. Baby mobile.
  59. Fence (may need a few thousand).
  60. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds
  61. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers
  3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  5. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  8. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  9. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now
  10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  12. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  13. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  14. Lean against the button panel.
  15. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  16. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  17. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  18. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  19. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

Funeral Humor

  1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
  2. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
  3. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
  4. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
  5. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
  6. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
  7. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
  8. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
  9. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
  10. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
  11. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
  12. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
  13. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
  14. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Your Mama...

Your mama's so fat, she's got more nooks and crannies than an English Muffin
Your mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book
Your mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up
Your mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics
Your mama's breath is so foul, she uses Glade as a breath freshener
Your mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm. One for each time zone Your mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu Your mama's so fat, after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party
Your mama's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters
Your mama's so fat, her pictures are taken by satellite
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, & a cockroach stole my wallet
Your mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border
Your mama's so stupid, she called information to get the number to 911
Your mama's so stupid, she asked her boss how to spell UPS
Your house is so nasty, even the cockroaches wear slippers
Your mama's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds
Your mama's so fat, that when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon, they're flats
Your mama's belly has got so many rolls on it, that she has to screw on her pants
Your mama's so stupid, she couldn't find eleven when trying to dial 911
Your mama's so ugly, that when she went to a haunted house, she came out with a job application
Your mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out
Your mama's so fat, she bumps into people even when she's sitting down
Your mama's so fat, that after sex, she rolls over and smokes a ham
Your Mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family
Your Mama's so stupid she thinks its the ice cubes that keeps the fridge cold
Your house is so small the welcome mat just says wel...
Your Mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles cars slow down
I saw your mama the other day kicking a tin can. I asked her what she was doing and she said "Moving".

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