Did you hear this one yet????
A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and, looking about, said, "What shall I do with this?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

Mr. Nicklaus, "Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
Jack's response? "The holes are numbered!"

What do golf and sex have in common? They're two things that you can enjoy even if you are lousy at both of them.

Golfer: I've never played this poorly before.
Caddy: You've played before?

Golfer: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
Caddy: Some time before dark, I hope.

"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde.
"He just tried to correct my stance again."
"So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time."

Manager: "I'm sorry, Sir, we have no times open on the course today.
Golfer: "Wait a minute. What if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them."
Manager: "Of course we would, sir."
Golfer: "Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them. A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path and her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman. "Yes, I think it is."
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."
"Gee, I'm sorry." said the golfer."Is there anything I can do?" The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."

I wouldn't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. A man goes to church to confess his sins. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the Priest asks back. "Well", the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no."says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies."As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And, as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." The Priest sighs and says, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are out golfing on a cloudy day, when it starts raining furiously. Suddenly, Steve is struck by lightning and is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six pack?"
Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six pack?"
"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?'
"'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
"So I said: "I'll bet you a six pack you ARE!'"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were golfing one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake on the 14th hole. Since it was fairly secluded and not many golfers were on the course, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to walk over to the rough to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing the fairway, who should come along but a group of ladies from town getting ready to tee off.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had teed off and moved on, the men got their clothes back on. The minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

So there are three golfers, (Steve, Paul, and Donnie) who are looking for a fourth. Donnie mentions that his friend Gus is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says Gus, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Steve, Paul, and Donnie arrive promptly at 9:00 and find Gus already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says Gus. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time (including Gus), but this time Gus plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, Gus says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, Gus is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Paul is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, Gus. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," Gus says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Steve asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late," Gus answers.

Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!"

Dams and Lakes are sacrificial waters where you make a steady gift of your pride and high-priced balls. Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a luminous yellow golf ball out of his bag.
"You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man says, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound and lights start to flash, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."

My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."

A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.

Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots.
One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?" "If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting. A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's,"Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Two men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. You know, said the first friend, I can always tell who the golfers are in church. How's that, said his friend. Its easy, he said. You just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip.

"Johnny! Remember what happens to little boys who use bad language playing marbles!"
"Yep teach. They grow up and play golf"

Golf is like taxes. You drive as hard as you can to get to the green, only to end up in the hole. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

A foursome consisting of 3 young guys and an old man were getting ready to putt out on the green. The devil decided he wanted to get into some mischief, so he appeared suddenly on the green, halfway between the players and the flagstick. The 3 younger guys screamed in a panic, and then ran off. The old man stayed over his putt, lining it up. The devil was confused at the old man's courage.
"Don't you know who I am?" said the devil.
"Sure do," said the old man.
"Aren't you afraid?"
"Why not?" asked the devil, still confused.
"Because I've been married to your sister for over 45 years now!"

Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.
"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?"
"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.
"He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"

One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was OK, but that he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first. Dan pointed to his forehead and said, "Do I have plumber written on my forehead?"
He went on to play golf.
The next day Dan told his wife he was going to play golf and she told him that it was OK, but first he needed to fix the ceiling fan. Dan pointed to his forehead and said, " Do I have electrician written on my forehead?"
He went on to play golf and, when he returned, the leak was fixed and the fan was working.
Dan asked his wife who did the repairs and she told him the next-door neighbor did. Dan asked how much he charged and the wife said, "He told me I could give him a big juicy kiss or bake him a cake.
Dan said, "Did he like the cake?" To which his wife said, "DO I HAVE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

One day a man went out to play a game of golf. That day it was very cloudy and ready to rain. He was one the 10th hole when a bolt of lightning struck him. He was put in the hospital for a week or so, and as soon as he got out he went to play a round of golf with some buddies. On the first hole one man asked him ''aren't you afraid to play ever since you were struck by lightning?'' ''No,'' the man said.'' I carry my one iron with me. - God can't even hit a one iron.''

After two weeks of suspicion, the jealous wife fired her maid. But before leaving, the attractive employee bragged, "Your husband told me that I'm a better golfer than you are."
The wife just shrugged. The maid then added, "I'm also better in bed than you are."
"My husband told you that?" the startled woman asked.
"No," the maid replied, "His caddy did!"

At the Club's annual board meeting, the President was just about to finish when one of the members stopped him. "There is one more item that we must discuss: the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."
"Why?" asked the President.
"Last week he made love to our new secretary in the bunker on hole 9," the President was informed.
"So, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!" he replied.
"Yes, but he didn't rake the bunker afterwards!!"

A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The husband says to the wife, as she gets ready to tee off on the 3rd hole, "Your rear end is as wide as the golf cart."
She ignores the remark. A little later on the green, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the golf cart, then goes over to his wife while she is bending over getting ready to putt. He measures her rear-end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the golf cart."
Again, she ignores him. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna start up the golf cart to drive one little wiener around, you are sadly mistaken."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "The majority of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"38,334 dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small bag of tees, then a medium bag of tees and finally a really large bag of tees. Then I sold him a small box of golf balls, a medium box of golf balls and a huge box of golf balls. I asked him where he was going to golf and he said he was going down to the Country Club. I said he would probably need a golf cart, so I took him down to the cart department and sold him that new 300-amp electric golf cart with the nubby wheels. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new pick-up to haul it in."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a bag of tees?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go golfing."

During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

One thing I've noticed about golf, its the only game where the ball may not lie well, but the players do. Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.
God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole.
Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

A lady newcomer to golf was on the first tee and asked her Pro "So, what do I do now?" The pro replied "Well, see that flag on the green, you have to hit your ball as close to it as you can". The lady let one fly with a mighty swipe, the ball went flying, and eventually it came to rest 3 inches from the hole. She asked, "What do I do now?". The pro answered "You are supposed to hit it in the hole". The woman screamed..."why didn't you tell me that before".

Drive for show, putt for dough! A coniving golfer decided one winter that he would train a gorilla to play golf. All winter long he trained the gorrila, and come spring was prepared to profit from it. He bets the local club pro $5000 on a game of golf.
The pro tees up a drive for 250 yards on the par 5, the gorilla take out a driver and slams the ball 500 yards to just feet from the hole. The pro gives up on the first tee exclaiming " no way I can beat this gorilla".
This goes on and the golfer profits handsomely from the gorilla, everybody giving up after the 500 yard drive. Until the golfer and the gorilla meet up with Fred Couples.
Fred tees up and hits a 350 yard drive on the first par 5, the gorilla smacks a magnificent drive 500 yards to the green inches from the hole. Undaunted, Fred then hits his next to within 15 feet of the hole, and makes the eagle.
The gorilla takes out his putter, and hits the ball 500 yards...

A golfer named Joe was paired with one of the club's good players, and he was anxious to get some free advice. Hitting first, he swung awkwardly and topped his drive. "Do you see anything I can correct?" he asked. "I see you're standing too close to the ball," the other remarked. "After you hit it."

Ten Reasons Why Golfing is Better Than SEX!!
10. A below PAR performance is considered good!!
9. You can stop in the middle and down a few beers.
8. It's much easier to find the "sweet spot".
7. Foursomes are encouraged.
6. You can make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is not unheard of.
4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you move to Florida, you can do it every day
2. You don't have to "cuddle" with your partner when you're finished.
And the Number One Reason Is:
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!!

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

John was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " you know... you look like my third husband."He says Oh yeah and then asks her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replies.

A group of golfers and a group of tennis players sat in the same train car on the way to a sports convention. Each of the tennis players had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of golfers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The tennis players started laughing and snickering.
One of the golfers said, "Here comes the conductor," and they all went into the bathroom.
The tennis players were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, and said, "Tickets please!" collecting tickets from all of the tennis players.
He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please." The golfers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the golfers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.
The tennis players were impressed. On the way back from the convention, the group of tennis players had one ticket for the group. However, the golfers didn't buy any tickets. The tennis players were once again confused.
One of the golfers said, "Conductor coming!" and, once again, they all went into one bathroom. All of the tennis players scrambled into another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the golfers left his bathroom, knocked on the tennis players' bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home. He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. On completing a round of golf Jack was questioned about how his round went. He replied, It was fine until Bob had a heart attack and died at the 18th hole tee box." The gentlemen in the clubhouse responded, "That must have been terrible." To which Jack replied, "You bet it was... Hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball..."

A golfer drove his tee shot way out of bounds and into a farmer's chicken coop killing his prize hen. After locating the farmer, the golfer expressed his remorse. "I'm sorry," the man said. "Please let me replace her." "Not so fast," said the farmer. "Just how many eggs can you lay a day."

On Charlie's first day at the office, John asks him if he likes to play golf. Charlie says, "yes I do". John tells him that he needs a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am and would he like to join them. Charlie says that he would love to, but that he might be 10 minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, plays right-handed and shoots par golf. Afterwards, John tells Charlie that they need a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am again and would he like to play. Again, Charlie says that he would love to play, but that he might be ten minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, but this time plays left handed and again shoots par golf. Afterwards, they are sitting around having drinks and John turns to Charlie and asks him "Charlie, last week you played right handed and shot par golf. And this week, you played left handed and shot par golf. How do you determine each week, which hand your going to play with? Charlie tells him "When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her right side, I play right handed; if she is lying on her left side play left handed. John says, "What if she is lying on her back?" Charlie says, "That's when I'm 10 minutes late."

A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.
However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree. “He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell,” said the first lady, “Disgusting I’m glad he’s not mine either, ” said the second lady.
“It really is terrible,” said the third. “That’s not even a club member!”

They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered. "Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"

A couple of women, Janice and Lea, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Lea, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Lea rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked.
"It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

Two groups charter a double-decker bus for a weekend golf trip to Atlantic City. One group consists entirely of brunettes and the other is comprised entirely of blondes.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level.
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes that she hasn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.
"What's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!"
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"

A beautiful blonde and a young man are paired up at a golfcourse. At first tee, the blonde looks at the young man and tries to start a conversation saying, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies, "S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies a little louder, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies a even louder, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies, "Thank God It's Friday."
The young man replies, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday."

A man and his wife finished playing a round of golf, and were sitting in the bar, having a few drinks. After the drinks, they got in their car and were driving home, when a cop stopped the couple and began writing the husband a ticket for not wearing his seat belt.
The man became quite upset and denied the accusation. He then told the officer, "My wife is a witness, ask her whether I was wearing my seat belt."
The officer asked the wife, and she replied, "I never argue with my husband after he has been drinking."

Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset

Golfers prayer when his wife takes up the game:
"Dear Lord, please don't let her be better than me!"

"Why are you using two caddies?" one golf buddy to another.
"My Wife feels that I don't spend enough time with the kids"