A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and, looking about, said, "What shall I do with this?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
Mr. Nicklaus, "Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
What do golf and sex have in common? They're two things that you can enjoy even if you are lousy at both of them.
Golfer: I've never played this poorly before.
Golfer: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."
Manager: "I'm sorry, Sir, we have no times open on the course today.
A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path and her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman. "Yes, I think it is."
A man goes to church to confess his sins. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the Priest asks back. "Well", the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no."says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies."As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And, as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." The Priest sighs and says, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Steve, Bob and Jeff are out golfing on a cloudy day, when it starts raining furiously. Suddenly, Steve is struck by lightning and is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were golfing one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake on the 14th hole. Since it was fairly secluded and not many golfers were on the course, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
So there are three golfers, (Steve, Paul, and Donnie) who are looking for a fourth. Donnie mentions that his friend Gus is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says Gus, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Steve, Paul, and Donnie arrive promptly at 9:00 and find Gus already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says Gus. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time (including Gus), but this time Gus plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, Gus says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, Gus is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Paul is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, Gus. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," Gus says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Steve asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late," Gus answers.
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a luminous yellow golf ball out of his bag.
My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots.
A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?" "If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's,"Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Two men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. You know, said the first friend, I can always tell who
the golfers are in church. How's that, said his friend. Its easy, he said. You just look at who is praying with
an interlocking grip.
"Johnny! Remember what happens to little boys who use bad language playing marbles!"
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"
A foursome consisting of 3 young guys and an old man were getting ready to putt out on the green.
The devil decided he wanted to get into some mischief, so he appeared suddenly on the green, halfway between the players and the flagstick. The 3 younger guys screamed in a panic, and then ran off. The old man stayed over his putt, lining it up. The devil was confused at the old man's courage.
Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.
One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was OK, but that he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first. Dan pointed to his forehead and said, "Do I have plumber written on my forehead?"
One day a man went out to play a game of golf. That day it was very cloudy and ready to rain. He was one the 10th hole when a bolt of lightning struck him. He was put in the hospital for a week or so, and as soon as he got out he went to play a round of golf with some buddies. On the first hole one man asked him ''aren't you afraid to play ever since you were struck by lightning?'' ''No,'' the man said.'' I carry my one iron with me. - God can't even hit a one iron.''
After two weeks of suspicion, the jealous wife fired her maid. But before leaving, the attractive employee bragged, "Your husband told me that I'm a better golfer than you are."
At the Club's annual board meeting, the President was just about to finish when one of the members stopped him. "There is one more item that we must discuss: the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."
A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The husband says to the wife, as she gets ready to tee off on the 3rd hole, "Your rear end is as wide as the golf cart."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.
A lady newcomer to golf was on the first tee and asked her Pro "So, what do I do now?" The pro replied "Well, see that flag on the green, you have to hit your ball as close to it as you can". The lady let one fly with a mighty swipe, the ball went flying, and eventually it came to rest 3 inches from the hole. She asked, "What do I do now?". The pro answered "You are supposed to hit it in the hole". The woman screamed..."why didn't you tell me that before".
A coniving golfer decided one winter that he would train a gorilla to play golf. All winter long he trained the gorrila, and come spring was prepared to profit from it. He bets the local club pro $5000 on a game of golf.
A golfer named Joe was paired with one of the club's good players, and he was anxious to get some free advice. Hitting first, he swung awkwardly and topped his drive. "Do you see anything I can correct?" he asked. "I see you're standing too close to the ball," the other remarked. "After you hit it."
Ten Reasons Why Golfing is Better Than SEX!!
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
John was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " you know... you
look like my third husband."He says Oh yeah and then asks her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replies.
A group of golfers and a group of tennis players sat in the same train car on the way to a sports convention. Each of the tennis players had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of golfers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The tennis players started laughing and snickering.
A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home. He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
On completing a round of golf Jack was questioned about how his round went. He replied, It was fine until Bob had a heart attack and died at the 18th hole tee box." The gentlemen in the clubhouse responded, "That must have been terrible." To which Jack replied, "You bet it was... Hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball..."
A golfer drove his tee shot way out of bounds and into a farmer's chicken coop killing his prize hen. After locating the farmer, the golfer expressed his remorse. "I'm sorry," the man said. "Please let me replace her." "Not so fast," said the farmer. "Just how many eggs can you lay a day."
On Charlie's first day at the office, John asks him if he likes to play golf. Charlie says, "yes I do". John tells him that he needs a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am and would he like to join them. Charlie says that he would love to, but that he might be 10 minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, plays right-handed and shoots par golf. Afterwards, John tells Charlie that they need a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am again and would he like to play. Again, Charlie says that he would love to play, but that he might be ten minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, but this time plays left handed and again shoots par golf. Afterwards, they are sitting around having drinks and John turns to Charlie and asks him "Charlie, last week you played right handed and shot par golf. And this week, you played left handed and shot par golf. How do you determine each week, which hand your going to play with? Charlie tells him "When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her right side, I play right handed; if she is lying on her left side play left handed. John says, "What if she is lying on her back?" Charlie says, "That's when I'm 10 minutes late."
A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.
They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet.
A couple of women, Janice and Lea, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Lea, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Lea rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked.
Two groups charter a double-decker bus for a weekend golf trip to Atlantic City. One group consists entirely of brunettes and the other is comprised entirely of blondes.
A beautiful blonde and a young man are paired up at a golfcourse. At first tee, the blonde looks at the young man and tries to start a conversation saying, "T. G. I. F."
A man and his wife finished playing a round of golf, and were sitting in the bar, having a few drinks. After the drinks, they got in their car and were driving home, when a cop stopped the couple and began writing the husband a ticket for not wearing his seat belt.
Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Golfers prayer when his wife takes up the game:
"Why are you using two caddies?" one golf buddy to another.