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Kelly's Bar Jokes
6
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By RON

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face


If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry


I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RON

Q. What do you call a quadrapalegic in a pool?
A. Bob

Q. What do you call a leper in a whirlpool?
A. Stew

Q. What do you call a woman with no legs?
A. Cuntswaylow

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
This guy walks into a gun stoor and asks to look at the scopes. He finds one he likes and says "How much?" The clerk says, "Thats a good scope you can see all the way inside my house on top of the hil from here." The guy looks and says, "There's rwo maked people running around in your house." "What!" ye yells. He looks through the scope, "Thats my wife and some guy!! I'll give you that scope for free if you can shoot her head off and his dick off in two shots." The guy screws the scope onto a rifle and looks up there, "Uhh sir..." he says, "I can do it in one."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By a woman
A man should do everything a woman tells him to do

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jim
ok

Smile This Joke was Submitted By audry
There were 3 nuns painting a room and it started to get hot in the room so they took their clothes off and a few minutes after there was a knock on the door and one of the nuns said "who is it", and the person at the door said, "blind man", so they let him in, thinking that he was blind, and the guy said to them, "Nice tits sis now where do you want the blinds."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By guess who
there were three kids named shit, manners, and fuck you. shit and manners were playing with a ball, when the ball went out in the road. manners went to get it and he got hit by a semi-truck. fuck you went to the store to get a garbage bag. he asked the clerk where they were. the clerk asked " what's your name?" fuck you said " fuck you" again he asked "what's your name" "fuck you" by then the clerk was mad. he said " where are your manners son?" fuck you said "he's at home picking up shit"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan Hale
"I have quite a burden to bear." said Jesus crossly.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Russ Awrey
Why are all Smurfs Blue?
If you went that long without sex, you would be too!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Juli
One day a woman went into a tatoo parlor and asked for a tatoo of Frank Sinatra on the inside of one of her thighs, and Elvis Prestly on the other one. When he was done the lady got really pissed off, they didn't look anything like them. The tatooer said that anyone could tell who they are. So he pulled a drunk guy inside. He said "I have no Idea who the two on the out side are but the hairy one in the middle with the bad breath is definitally Willy Nelson.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mr. Clinton
Monica Lewinsky finds a bottle floating in the ocean? She reads the letter inside and it says she gets one wish. She wished her love handles would disappear, so POOF POOF Her ears disappeared.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimbob
Q: Why can't you hear rabbits have sex?
A: They have cottonballs.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimbob
There was a girl who loved to have sex but didn't want to have a baby, so she asked her dad how to do it. Her dad said, "Once they're about to cum ask them what they're going to name the baby it works every time." It worked on the first two men because they ran out screaming . The third man was having sex with her, shut off the light and slipped on a condom.. The guy started to cum and the girl says, "What are you gonna name the baby?" He kept going. she asked him again but he kept going. So finally he turns on the light and the girl is like, "What are you gonna name the baby?" So he ties up the condom and says, "Houdini, if the little bastard can get out of this."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bubba
Why couldn't they arrest Monica Lewinsky? She swallowed the evidence!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff
There were 3 fags sitting in a hot tube. All of sudden one of them sees sperm floating in the tub, Ok which one of you farted

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
Question:How can you tell a snowman from a snowgirl.
answer:Snow balls

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Speed Gonzalas
Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower was comming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mERCEDES bENZ
Q: How many oppossums does it take to have sex?
A: Three. The two need one to watch for traffic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pass Gas Man
yo momma's house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet to go outside.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FAT DADDY
WHY DID THE TURTLE CROSS THE ROAD?
THERE WAS A SHELL STATION ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hey! Yo, Tony!
What can a roll of Lifesavers do that you can't do???
Come in five flavors!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ant-nee
What's great on pizza but bad on pussy???
Crust.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christine Church
Why did a guy put batteries in backwards? Because the pink Energizer keeps cuming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By 2 ku 4 u
yo mamma's This Joke was Submitted By 2 ku 4 u
yo mamma's so fat. she's got more chins than a chinese phone book!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marc Poulin
What is brown, fuzzy and lays in the forest?
Smokey the hooker

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James O'Donohue
What's worse than a skunk on your piano?
A diseased beaver on your organ

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ant-nee
What university did Michael Jackson go to? Bringum Young.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jake
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose.
A. bobbing for french fries

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Bosak
Yo Mama's so fat, she fell down the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By claus
Q: Why did monica refuse to play golf with Clinton?
A: She was tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By brian gustafson
There are 2 old people sitting around the table eating breakfast one morning, and the old women looks at the old man and says. "What were we doing 51 years ago?" and the old man thinks for a minute, and says "I don't know what were we doing 51 years ago." and the old women says, "We were sitting around this table eating breakfast naked!" And the old man thinks a minute and say's, "That's right we were were'nt we?" and the old lady says, "Well, lets do it again for old times sake." So the old man agrees and they get naked. And the old lady leans over to the old man and says "You know I'm just as hot for you today as I was 51 years ago" and the old man looks her straight in the eyes and said "That's because you have one tit in you coffee, and one in your oatmeal!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ted
Who would win in a race, 2 gays or 2 lesbians? Lesbians, because their doing 69 the whole way while the gays are home packing their shit!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Q: Whats the difference between your sister and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't go home after having a load dumped in it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DILLON WARNER
WHAT DOES A WOMEN HAVE IN COMMEN WITH A POSTIAL STAMP
YOU LICKEM, STICKEM, AND SEND THEM AWAY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vIrUs
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed im to a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues in to the night.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By NICOLE
WHAT IS THE DEFFRENCE BETWEEN ELTON JOHN AND DIANA
ELTON JOHN IS COMPOSING AND DIANA IS DECOMPOSING!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ala
How do you tell a versace shirt?
It's got four buttons and five holes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By numnuts
there were these two people fucking in a apartment building. The yellow condom goes flying out. A boy comes and picks it up thinking that it is a twinkie. The guy comes down and asked for the condom. The boy said" No, my twinkie." The guy said" I pay you ten dollars for it. "No!" yelled the boy. "50 dollars" said the man. "No!" yelled the boy. The man finally goes" Okay, 100 dollars, and thats my final offer. "Okay." said the boy. So the boy goes home and tells his mom, "Mommy, mommy, I got a hundred dollars from this man for a twinkie. But what the man doesn't know is that I sucked out all the cream filling!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jonathin Whinfrey
There was a man, and he was getting lonely. So he went to a Whore House. He said to the womam "What can I get for two dollars." She said "Just this chicken." He said "NO WAY!!" When he went back to his house he started to get lonely. So he went back the next day and said " give me the chicken." Then she said "Go to the second door on the right. An hour later he walked out with the chicken, and the chicken was nearly dead because he fucked it so hard. The next day he came back with 10 bucks and said " What can I get for 10 bucks. She took the money and said "Go the the first door on the right." When he walked in the door there were a few guys there, and they were all watching 2 women fucking each other. After the show some guys said "This was pretty good, but it was nothing compared to that guy with the chicken.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
your mom is so dumb, she had no legs and still tried to run for president

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike mcmath
A miget walks into an elevator sees a tall guy standing there he thinks nothing about it and presses the down button. Half way down the elevator breaks down so the miget thinking to himself oh were going to be stuck here for a while so I better make friends with this guy. miget: what's your name? guy: Turner Brown. The miget faints a few minutes later the miget comes around. Miget: what did you say your name was? guy: Turner Brown Miget: Oh I thought you said turn around.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David Youngs
The man insists he must see the doctor immediately. When he finally gets alone with the doctor he starts in, "doc, I gotta have a kidney transplant, a liver transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant..." "Whoa there! Wait just a minute!" interupts the good doctor. "Just stop and tell me why you think you need all these transplants." "Well, I need them because -- because my boss said I needed to get reorganized."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erica
What do you call a blonde with pigtalls? A blow job with handles.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
Books you will never find: 1. Italian war heroes 2. Frenchmen who don't smell 3. Polish wit and wisdom 4. Black men I've met while yachting

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
After the first man on the moon, the Polish president got angry and said "We're going to send our astronauts to the Sun!" The astrounauts say thats impossible, we'll burn up. The president replies, "What are you, stupid? You're going to land there at night!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
How do pollocks wash their clothes? They throw them in a garbage can and shake it!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
How do you ruin a Polish party? Flush the punchbowl.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
Did you hear about the new Polish Army? They bought 3,000 septic tanks from France and they're going to attack Germany after they learn how to drive them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
You know you're in Poland if you see clotheslines with toilet paper on them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim Hobo
One Day there was this man that came home from work early. Well on his way into his house he noticed a jacket hanging on the rack which was not his. Well he thought it was a present so he didnt worry about it. When he went to the bedroom he smelt mens cologne and his wife was naked in the bed. He told his wife to tell him who she was doing and she wouldnt tell. he started pulling out her pussy hairs one by one untill she told well he got down to the last one and couldnt get it out. He said " Come out of there you little black bastard". And this black guy came out of the closet saying I so sorry I so sorry

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex
Q:The maker does not want it... The buyer does not use it... And the user does not see it... What is it?
A: A coffin.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MIKE
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Bortz Jr.
A lady named Barbra Walters is doing a report on native americans, she decides that she needs a first hand look at them instead of reading about them in books and magazines, so she goes to the nearist indian resevation. When she gets there she sees an indian walking aroung and he was wearing one feather on his head. She asks him why do you have one feather on you head? He said me sleepem withone squaw (wife) So me have one feather. She thought that he was jokeing aroung so she went up to an indian that had three feathers on his head, she asks him why he has three feathers on his head. He said me sleepem with three squaws (three wifes) so me have three feathers. She thought he was just joking too, so she went to the cheif that had a head full of feathers and she asked him why he had so many feathers on his head? He said me fuckem all big, fat, tall, small. She said to the cheif, you must be very hostile and the cheif replies yes hostyle, dogstyle, wolfstyle, anystyle. She tells the cheif that he should be hung and the cheif replies yes me hung like fucking buffalo. She says oh my dear, then the cheif gets a wierd look on his face and says no me no fuckem dear. Ass holes to high and they run to damn fast.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie Bartram
What has four legs is hairy and does it just about anywhere?
your parents!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sime
For her birthday, my wife asked me to take her to a place that she had never been to before... .. so I took her into the kitchen

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tasha Snyder
This is the story of the three pigs: The first one walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. He drinks it and orders several more. After awhile, he stands up and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender tells him that it is down the hall to the right. So, the pigs goes to the bathroom and then leaves. Shortly after, the second pig walks into the bar orders a few beers and after awhile also asks the bartender where the bathroom is. He tells him that it's down the hall to the right. The third pig walks into the bar and sits down and orders several beers. He drinks them and them stands up and starts to leave. The bartender yells to him "Wait, don't you want to know where the bathroom is?" The pig replies, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert
Three men walking in a desert. One man has a umbrella and they ask why the umbrella? He replys to get under for shade. Another man has a water bottle. They ask why the water. He replys in case we get thirsty. The third and last man has a car door. They ask why the car door. He replyed in case it gets hot we can role down a window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kenny P
Why is Chelsy Clinton sueing Monica Lewinsky? For swollowing her baby brother.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony Burke
2 guys walk into a bar. Well, one guy walked into it, the second guy saw it and went under.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam & Steve!
Ya Mama`s so old, I asked her to act her age and the bitch died.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam & steve
mr smith wanted the best sex of his life so he went to china where the birds are horniest, he went to a brothel and asked for the best girl. He then took her upstairs and gave her a large portion YES!!. and she was screaming at the top of her voice 'yah-sow!!! 'yah-sow' and Mr. Smith replies 'yes very good isnt it?' Later that day Mr. Smith was playing golf with the chinese vicar and the chinese vicar scored a hole in one. Mr. Smith cried out 'very good! yah-sow yah-sow' and the vicar replies what do you mean the wrong hole.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TOM BURBANK
WAT'S THE DIFFERNECE BETWEEN PINK AND PURPLE? THE GRIP

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ambra
Why Can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
A: Because when she gets too 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan
What do you get when you cross a Agnostic, Dyslexic, and a Insomniac?
A: Someone who lies awake wondering is there a Dog?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb? EIGHT! One to turn the bulb, six to get drunk and party and one to grill the bratwurst!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BCB of Alberta
What is the difference between like, love and hate?
Spit, swallow, and bite!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
Q. What have clitori, anniversaries and toilets got in common?
A: Men miss them all!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
Q. Whats the smallest book in the World?
A. "What men know about women!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your high-heel from off of his head!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
Q. What have a glass of Guiness and a Priest got on sommon?
A. If you get a bad one, it'll tear the ass of ye!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Suzanne
A dimwitted guy and his wife inherited a farm. Livestock and all. The couple knew nothing about livestock or farming. A neighbor down the road dropped by one day. He told the new farmer he should breed his best sow with his best boar and she would have lots of piglets he could sell and make lots of money. The new farmer didn't have any means of getting the sow to the neighbor's so he suggested he put her in the wheelbarrow every morning and push her up the road to be bred. Next morning the new farmer loaded the sow up in the wheelbarrow and pushed her up the road to the neighbor's where they bred her to the boar. That evening the farmer brought the sow back home and he went in the house, up the stairs and to bed. Next morning he got up, looked out the window for piglets and didn't see any so he loaded the sow back up in the wheelbarrow and pushed her back up the road to the neighbors and bred her to the boar again. Every morning he would look out the window for piglets and seeing none, would start the same process over again. This went on for several weeks until one evening after bringing the sow home from her day being bred by the neighbor's boar,he tripped on the stairs on his way up to bed and hurt his foot. Next morning he couldn't get out of bed so he asked his wife to look out the window for piglets. "No. there's no piglets,...but the sow's in the wheelbarrow".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cyberzen
How do you turn a lemon on?
Tickle it's citerus!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jayme
Mickey Mouse goes into court because he wants a divorce from Minnie Mouse. The Judge says to Mickey, "Why do you want a divorce from Minnie, she's not insane?" Then Mickey says,"I didn't say she was insane, she's just fu%#in' Goofy!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Anschutz
One morning this hunter wakes his wife up to remind her that she has promised to go hunting with him. After much deliberation she decides that she doesn't want to go. The hunter then says if she doesn't go, he will have to fuck her in the ass. She doesn't like the sound of this so she offers to give him a blow-job instead. Finally, he agrees. The wife then goes down on the hunter. After about two minutes she stops. She complains that his dick tastes like shit. The hunter then admits that the dog didn't want to go hunting either....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kymberlee Ide
Is There a Santa Claus?

  1. No known species of reindeer can fly, BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified and, while most of these are insects and germs, this does not rule out, COMPLETELY, flying reindeer (which, by the way, only Santa has ever seen).
  2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -- 378 million, according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes, statistically, that there's at least one good child in each.
  3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with at least one good child, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
  4. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are distributed evenly around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, including eating, feeding the reindeer, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a `poky' 27.4 miles per second -- a conventional reindeer can run a sustained 15 miles per hour, tops.
  5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized `Lego' set (approx. 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is described, invariably, as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer could, possibly, pull 300 pounds, at best. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1, above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, the job could not be done with eight, or even nine; 214,200 reindeer would be required. This increases the payload -- not even counting the weight of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tons. Again, for purposes of comparison, this is FOUR TIMES the weight of the luxury ocean liner, Queen Elizabeth.
  6. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second would create enormous air resistance and resulting friction -- this would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy... Per second... EACH! In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim, by all accounts) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kym
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings. The man rolls over and answered... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix." He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kymberlee Ide
A man phones from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week with my boss. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing gear and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks.."Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says.."Oh yes, great...the fishing was wonderful, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gloria
A panda walks into a saloon and growls, "GIMME A SANDWICH!" After wolfing down the sandwich, he draws a six-shooter, plugs the piano player dead in the back, and heads for the door. The bartender hollers, "Hey! You haven't paid for the sandwich!" The panda replies, "Idiot! I'm a panda! LOOK IT UP!" And away he goes. The bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary and finds: "Large furry marsupial of the Asian continent. Eats shoots and leaves."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wiseguy9
Mary wanted to borrow her dads car one night, so she asked her father, "Daddy, can use your car tonight?" He says "Uh, sure. You know what to do" So he unzips his pants and she starts. She says "Daddy, this tastes like shit" He replies,"Oh yeah, your brother is using the car tonight"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Neil
Ronald Reagan and OJ Simpson were seen talking. Ronny said, "Well, after the trial why don't you and Nicole come over for dinner"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mil g c
Q: WHAT DID THE LEFT LIP SAY TO THE RIGHT LIP?
A: LET'S SPLIT, THE FUCKER IS COMING

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Vic Poikolainen
Two bulls are standing at the top of a hill and staring at cows eating grass down below. The younger bull says "hey buddy, what do you say we run down the hill and screw one of them cows". The older and more wiser bull says "how about we just walk down and screw them all"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
A transgendered prostitute walks into a bar and poses this question to everyone "who's got a pinch and who's got a ten inch". A lesbian replies "I'll take the pinch if you tuck your ten inch". A homosexual interrupts by saying "No come with me and suck my pee pee" A dog lying in the corner shouts out "I like to be beaten plus I haven't eaten" A waiter includes "I may be wrong, but the dog sucks good dong". And finally the DJ proclaims "Let's pump the tunes and watch bazooms". The transgendered male confusingly heads towards the exit and says to everyone "I just wanted a pinch of sugar and a sub-sandwich, Man this is a fucked up bar".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Little Johnny walks in on his Mom in the bathroom. She's having her monthly and Johnny looks at it and asks, "What happened, Mom?" His mother a bit put back tells him, "Oh, that's where I got hit with a hatchet!" Johnny looks wide-eyed and sez, "WOW, you got hit right in the snatch!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Nerd gets married and into the hotel room with his new bride, who wants him to 'do it'! Not knowing a helluva lot about 'it', he excuses himself and goes down to the lobby and phones his dad. The old man not wanting to embarrass company, tries to explain what it the kid is supposed to do. "Take the hardest thing you find and put it in where she pees." he sez. Junior goes back up to the room, grabs his bowling ball and throws it in the toilet!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A local goes into Kelly's and grabs a stool, tells the bartender, "I'll have a double bourbon on the rocks witha beer backer, get everyone in the house a drink and have one yourself." He puts it away and says to the bartender, "Another double with a beer, get everyone else and have one yourself." After he finishes that one he orders, "I'll have another, get the rest and have another yourself." When he belts it back he's going to order again, but the bartender says, "Hey, I have to have some money for the other tree rounds first!" The local says, "Money? I haven't got any money!" Where upon the bartender gets angry, grabs the guy and throws him out in the street. The following day the guy goes back into Kelly's, hops on a stoll and orders, "I'll have a double bourbon with a beer backer, give everyone in the house a drink, but you can't have one 'cause you get nasty when you're drinkin'!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Two drunks stagger out the door and down to the corner where they come upon a dog sitting on the curb licking his nuts. First drunk says: "Boy, I sure would like to do that!" and his pal says: "Maybe you should pet him a bit and make friends first!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Cop walking his beat finds two drunks laying in the gutter. One has his index finger up the other drunks ass. Cop says: "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk replies: "I'm trying to help my buddy puke!" And the cop says: "It ain't gonna work! You're at the wrong end!" The drunk says: "Like Hell, you just wait 'til I stick this finger down his throat! He'll puke plenty!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amber O'Brien
This is actually a riddle. For the answer e-mail me at CYBER324@aol.com As I was going to St.Ives I met a man with Seven Wives. Each wife had seven sacks with seven cats. Each cats had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, sacks, and wives, How many were going to St.Ives?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve hertler
What's the difference between sperm and yogurt?
Answer: Yogurt doesn't hit the back of your throat doing 60mph when you eat it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
The three most dangerous things in the world - An Irishman with a bottle of whiskey, a black guy with a knife and a queer with a chipped tooth!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Sadie, the bar slut says: "Sex is like snow! Ya never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A women walks into a bar carrying a large, live duck under her arm. The drunk sleeping at the end of the bar wakes up and blearily views the scene and asks: "Hey, whereshya get tha pig?" To which the women replies indignantly: "I'll have you know this is a duck!" The drunk says: "I'll have you know, that I wash talkin' ta tha duck!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
The difference between Americans, Canadians & British:
Americans drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits drink warm, beery-tasting piss!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John F. Kazanovicz
This guy was working in the Yukon for months and hadn't had any for awhile. He decides to go to the local bar/brothel. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me two beers and the meanest, toughest whore you have in this place!" The bartender gets on the phone and a minute later hangs up and hands the guy two beers and tells him "Go up the stairs and you'll find what you want in the second room on the left." The man grabs the two beers and heads upstairs. He opens the door to find a large naked woman on the bed. He asks "Are you the meanest, toughest whore in the place?" She says "You bet your ass I am!" As he starts to take off his clothes the whore gets off the bed, turns around and grabs her ankles. The man seeing this says "No!, I don't want it that way!" The whore replies "I wasn't suggesting that asshole...I just wanted to know if you wanted me to open those beers for you!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By susan
A big group of nuns are waiting at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter comes out and announces to the nuns that they will have to answer a question before they can enter into heaven. Saint Peter goes up to the first nun and asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun replies, "Well, yes, one time I touched a penis with the tip of my finger." Saint Peter says,"O.k. dip your finger in the holy water and then pass through the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks the same question to the second nun. She replies, "Well, one time I got carried away and massaged a penis with my hand." Saint Peter tells her to dip her whole hand in the holy water and then pass through the gates of Heaven. All of a sudden a nun starts pushing and shoving her way up to the front of the line. Saint Peter says, "What's going on here?" and the nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with this holy water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Catherine has to stick her butt in it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Susan
A black boy comes home from school one day. He says, "Dad, I have the biggest dick in the Second Grade. Is it because I'm black?" The father replies, "No, son, it's because you're eighteen!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Susan
Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin Emery
One day, in Australia, this Koala Bear was looking for something to do. He was so bored and very lonely. So he decided to go to New York City! He figured He could meet nice people and maybe even make some friends. So off he went, on his way to NY. When he got there, he went to a hotel and rented a room. Then he went out for a walk to see what the city had in store. As he walked, he saw this woman standing at the street corner wearing very little clothes. He walked up to her and she said, "Hey baby, wanna have some fun?" Of course he said yes and he brought her to his hotel room. There, they screwed all night. The next morning, the hooker said "alright, that will be $300. The koala bear did not understand. He asked her what was a hooker. So she threw a dictionary at him. He looked it up and it said that a hooker was a woamn that will have sex for an amount of money. He said " I am a koala Bear and I am not going to pay you!" She asked what a koala bear was so he threw the book back at her. She looked it up and it said that a koala bear was a little furry animal that eats bushes, then leaves!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jack Mehoff
A guy walked in to a peep show and asked for the heaviest black woman they had. He told her to bend over, pull down her pants. Once she did he told her to leave. THe owner asked why hhe wanted the heaviest woman? hHe said he had a Black house and wanted to see what it would llook like with pink shudders!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steve
An Irish lady hears a knock at her door. When she answers, her husbands co-worker says, "Mrs. Murphy I'm sorry to have to be tellin' ya' this, but Paddy fell into one of the vats at the brewery and he's drowned". She says, "Oh my God, I'll bet he suffered somethin' terrible". The guy says, "Well, no m'am, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go the bathroom.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Drew Jansen
One time there was a room full of Pakis.There was a preist that said,"Who here has seen a ghost?" 20 people stand.So he asks,"who here has touched a ghost?"10 peole stand.So the preist asks,"who here has hugged a ghost?" 5 people stand. So the preist asks one more question that is,"Who here has had sex with a ghost?"1 person stands. The priest then says, "What was it like having sex with a ghost?" The man says,"Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
Q: Do you know when you have to slap a midget?
A: When he tells you that your hair smells nice!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rachel
One time a man's wife was having a baby so the man was waiting in the waiting room of a hospital. He got a message that said another baby was going to be born so he had to wait awhile. Awhile later he got another message that said ANOTHER baby was coming. The man was getting pretty annoyed with this so he went to the pub. After a few glasses of wine he rang up the hospital, but accidentlyrang up the cricket ground instead. He said, "how many out?" and the man at the cricket ground said, "54 out and a duck."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Annie
A lady's husband died and she missed his sex so much she cut his dick off and stuck it to the wall, and every night she'd have sex with it. Three men found out about this so they drilled a hole in the wall and stuck their own dick in, taking turns each night. One time a black man did it, and the lady said, "it's getting rotten," so she chopped it off and threw it in the bin.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Annemarie
Your Mum's so ugly, even her dog screams whenever she's near.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joker
Your mama's so fat when she goes to a restautant and looks at the menu she says O.K !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THE JOKER
There was a man having honey nut loops for breakfast and he was reading the news paper he read about starving peaple so he sent a pack of honey nut loops. A few days later he got a letter back .Thanks for the life belts.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dave
Q:WHY DO BLONDES WEAR UNDERWEAR?
A:TO KEEP THEIR ANKLES WARM.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CRYSTAL WAKEFIELD
An aggie went to a big football game. He walked to the consession stand and bought a great big hotdog and a soda. He sat in the bleachers and began to watch the game. Just as he was about to take a bite of the hotdog someone yelled, "Hey, Bob?" The aggie looked to his left, then right didn't see anything, so he shrugged and raised the big, juicy hotdog to his mouth. Suddenly, someone yelled "Heeeeyyyy Bob!!!" He looked all around and saw nothing. This went on and on, and finally the aggie was getting ticked off because he couldn't see anyone. Then someone yelled, "Hey Bob, up here!" The aggie stood, looked up and yelled, "MY NAME'S NOT BOB!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By yogi
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb b*tch, shut your frickin' mouth!!!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By yogi
A man walks into a bar to apply for a job as a pianist . The owner says for him to play a song for him. The owner goes that song was beautiful what is the name of it. They guy say I wrote it it is called ³ Iım going to fuck you in you ass till you cum out your mouth. The owner say wow what a name play another. The guys plays another and once again the owner is amazed at how beautiful the song is. He says I hate to ask but what was the name of that song. It's called Iım going to skull fuck you till you take a shit on my foot.. The owner sayıs you got the job just donıt tell anyone the name of the songs, but play some more please. The piano player says sure I have to go to the bathroom first. He comes back and the owner goes do you know your dick is hanging out of your pants.. The pianist says know it I wrote it!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By B.L.Taylor
At a doctors convention in Europe, A conversation was taking place in a pub after a day at the convention. A Jewish doctor said,"Medicine in my country is so advance we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks. A German doctor said,"That's nothing!!, In Germany we can take a lung out of one person and put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks!!" A Russian doctor said," In my country, medicine is so advance that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." An American doctor, not to be outdone, said,"HAH!!, You think that's great stuff, We can take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jenni
Your Mama's teeth are so yellow when she smiles it makes the sun jealous.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THE DOKTOR
There's this blond out in the middle of a field sitting in a rowboat rowing away and kicking up dust and going nowhere. Along comes another blond in a BMW who sees her. She slames on the brakes, jumps out and races over to the edge of the field. "Hey, you know, it's blonds like you that give blond's like me a bad name." the second blond yells at the blond in the row boat. "And I'd come out there and kick your ass if I knew how to swim."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By count cyber
"I dialed the numer three times" Tom recalled

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gordon Broussard
Three mice sitting around a bar talking about how bad they are: The first one says, "I am so bad that I run into mouse traps on purpose and when the bars starts to fall on me, I catch it and bench press it 20 or 30 times" with that he slams down a shot. The second one says, "That's nothing, You know those decon tablets, I cut them up real fine and snort them for the fun of it," and with that said, he slams down a shot. The third mouse just gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other and then turn to the thir mouse and say "Where in the hell do you think you are going." The third mouse replies, "I going home to screw the cat!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Country
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe.....fur traders!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Country
Your mama is so hairy, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a head lock!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Country
Your mama is so hairy, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a head lock!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff Beal
There are three(3) sailors. Well they didn't have the money to get drunk on. So they went to the store and bought a pack of hot-dogs. The plan was to go to a bar, drink a few beers, and walk out and if the bar-tinder was to say anything they would pull out a hot-dog like it was a dick and begin to suck it. Then the bar-tinder would throw them out of the bar without paying. Well they walk into the first bar and drink three(3) beers a peice. Well they all get up at the same time and begin to walk out. The bar-tinder stops them and says "Hey, you haven't paided" Well one(1) of the sailors get on their knees and begin to suck on the hot-dog. The bar-tinder calls them names and throws them out. Well that worked on the 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 bar. Well the first(1) sailor looks over and says "My mouth is swore. You suck on the hot-dog and I'll hold it" the other sailor looks over and says "Hell no! I though the hot-dogs away at the fifth(5th) bar.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By George Stephen
Three construction workers one english, one italian and one french are on their lunch break. The english man opens up his lunch box and says, "Oh no,not peanut butter again! I`m going to put my foot down and tell my wife not to make me this again!" Now the italian man opens up his lunch box and says, "Oh no,not spagetti again! I`ma gonna tella my wife not to make me this no more!!!" The french man opens up his lunch box and says, "Oh no, not eggsalad again! I`m gonna tell my wife no more of this again!!" So the next day back at work they all sit down for lunch again. The english man opens up his lunch box and sees some homemade stew and says, "Alright, something different today!" The italian man opens up his lunch box and says,"Good she didn`t make me spagetti again!" The french man opens up his lunch box and says,"Not again!!" The english man and the italian man both say, "I thought you were going to tell your wife not to make you anymore eggsalad?" The french man says, "Ya, but I make my own lunch."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly
( To be told in ebonic dilect) There was dude on the street in the bottoms and saw a guy get shot, he runs to a telephone and calls 911 and tells the operator that a guy just got shot. The operator asks where he is, the guy replies I am on sycamore street, the operator says "hoe do you spell that" the guy replies "Sic,no, sym, no,sika, no, oh fuck it,I will call you right back I'm going to drag him down to Oak Street"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duke Holiday
Why did the Irish family only have three children? They read somewhere that every 4th child was Asian

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joe
Microsoft has its own virus...... its called WINDOWS 95

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kristie
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See ya next month!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sock wearer
In Days of old when knights were bold, before condoms were invented, they wrapped a sock around their cock and babies were prevented.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Don't Matter
Yo Momma's so fat her shadow weighs 67 pounds !!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff brough
Q: Why did the lumber truck stop? A: To let the lumberjack off!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By corey
A guy needs a present for his wife for christmas he goes to a jewelry store but everything is too expensive, he goes to a clothing store but he can't find anything nice so he goes to a pet shop and the guy says "I've got the perfect thing, he gets a parrot that sings jingle bells when you put a lighter under his left foot, he sings redolph the red nosed reindeer when you put the lighter under his right foot. The parrots name is Chet. The guy buys it and tries putting the lighter under both legs then the parrot starts singing chetsnuts roasting over an open flame.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason
Why don't golfers make good lovers?
A: Because after three or four strokes they move on to the next hole.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Deborah Kelly
The 6th grade class was having a session of phrases that rhyme, the teacher first called on Linda, "While I was in the yard I saw a man holding a card", that is very good Linda said the teacher. She next called on Pat "While I was looking in the sky, I saw a plane go by", that is very good said the teacher. Next she called on Johny. Johny couldn't think of one, so she sent out into the hall to think. A few minutes later the teacher went out to see if Johny had come up with a rhyme. Johny said he had and told her "While I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall" the teacher said it very good, but would prefer him to leave the cock out of cockroach, Johny agreed. They went back into the room and the teacher told the class that Johny had finally thought of a rhyme, and told johny to tell the class " While I was standing in the hall I saw a cockroach go up the wall with his cock out"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pat H
Yo mama is so hairy people filmed Gorilla in the Mist in her shower.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By leseib
Do you know what happen when Cinderella got to the ball? She joked!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Fred
Two firemen are in a smoke filled building butt-f**king, the cheif walks in and says, what in hell are you men doing? The man in back(humpinging away) says, oh cheif this man is suffering from smoke inhalation. The cheif replies, well why dont you give him mouth to mouth! The man in back replies, thats how this shit got started....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By K.Morse
Q:How do you know if a blond is having a bad day?
A:If she has a tampon behind her ear and a pencil up her butt.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve Moghadam
Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years". "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. "I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago". "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee, and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Teresa Gottlieb
How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a pool.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elaina Pierson
Another great pickup line: [dip your thumb in a glass of water, touch your shoulder with it, touch his/her shoulder with it, then say] Let's go to my place and get out of these wet clothes!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Clementino
When the going gets wierd the wierd get off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amar Shah
Say this to a babe: "Your left leg is Thanksgiving, your right leg is Christmas, so can I visit between the holidays!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nicholas Lagos
Q. What do you do when an elephant comes through your window??
A. Swim for your life!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nicholas Lagos
Little Susie was riding her tricycle, she finds curious Johnny sitting in the park. Susie says, "Ha Ha I have something that you don't have, HAHA" Curious Johnny says, "Oh yeah?" then pulls down his pants, "I have something that you will NEVER have!!" Realising she was outdone, she goes home and cries to her Daddy, her Daddy tells her what to do next time Johnny says that. Next day, Susie rides her tricycle to the park again to find Curious Johnny. Just to rub it in, Johnny says it again, "HAHAHA You will never have one of these!" Then Susie pulls up her dress and says, "Daddy told me with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By yomama
Q: What do the New York Jets and a Juarez hooker have in common?
A: They both suck for four quarters

Smile This Joke was Submitted By yomama
Q: What did O.J. ask judge Ito after the trial?
A: Can I have my glove back

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Orka
Three guys standing infront of Saint Peter. Pete says to the first guy..What happened to you? Guy says. I work construction.. I just got home from work and found my wife in bed nude, there was a set of work boots under my bed that were not mine. I looked around and saw a pair of hands on my window ledge out side. Sure enough man was hanging there.. So I started kicking his hands.. I kicked and kicked and kicked. Finally he fell. The son of a gun landed on the auning in front of the aparment complex. So I went into the kitchen picked up the referigerator, tossed it out the window and had a heart attack. So here I am.... Pete looks at the second guy and says what happend to you? Guy says. Im a window washer.. I was up on the 15th floor of this apartment complex when my trolly broke. I was falling and falling and finally grap a hold of a window ledge..Next thing I know this guy starts kicking my hands.. I fell once landing on the auning. Thought thank goodness Im saved. Next thing I know Im being hit by a refrigerator. So here I am... Pete shakes his head, turns to the last guy and says. "what happend to you"? Guys says.. " I was hiding in this refrigerator see......."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THATCHER SCHIFFELBEIN
There were two suasages setting in a pot and one say's to the other it is bloody hot in here and the other say's WOW it's a talking sausage.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Thats not important.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse standing there with a big pot of money in front of it. He asks the bartender and the bartender tells him"You gotta put a dollar in the pot. If you make the horse laugh, you keep the pot." Well the guy goes over, putts in a dollar. He whispers something in the horses's ear and it just freakin' starts dying. I mean completely crackin' up. The guy picks up the pot and walks out. 3 years later he comes back to the same bar and sees the same horse with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognizes him and says this time it's not so easy, ya gotta make the horse cry. The guy goes over to the horse and when he comes back the horse is screaming it lungs out and beatin' on the floor. The guy picks up the pot and on his way out, the bartender says at least tell us how you did it. Th guy says "Well the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time, I showed him"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Thats not important
Use for AOL disk:-----> erase it and use for other stuff

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sean Miller
Your mama is so fat that you have to role her in flour and look for the wet spot before you screw her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan
Did you hear that the West Virginia Library burnt down? It burnt both books. They hadn't finished coloring one of them yet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ted Galle
What did cinderella do when she reached the ball? .. SHE GAGED.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kevin
Your mama is so stupid that she walked into an antique storea and asked " What's new?"
Your mama is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Kelly
There is a wineo passed out in an alley when two faggots walk by and see him lying there, they decide to have there way with him, after they finish they feel they should leave some money for the poor bloke,The next morning the wineo wakes up and finds 20.00 in his pocket and runs to the liquor store to buy some Chivas Regal scotch with his new found fortune! He goes back to the alley and drinks it up and passes out again, along come the two queers again and have there way with him once more, again the feel guilty for there actions and leave some money.The wineo wakes up and discovers the money and runs back for more scotch, goes to alley and gets drunk, passes out again, the queers come by and do him once more and leave money.The wineo wakes up the next morning and again finds $20.00 in his pocket and runs to liquor store and orders a six pack, the store keeper says "what no Chevas Regal today"? The wineo replies " no I have to quit drinking that, it was really tearing my asshole up"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Arthur Kelly
If two people from Tennesee get married, then get divorced, and one them moves to Kentucky. Are they still brother and sister?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Norm Auger
How do they know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touch the little hand!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brian Blake
There was a man that went into a bar. He carried a little box and set it on the table. The bartender serves him a drink and then he asks the man what is in the box. The man then opens it up and the bartender sees a 12 inch little man playing the piano. The bartender is amazed and asks the man where he got it. The man says there is a genie granting wishes right behind the bar. The bartender runs back there, and he sees the genie. He tells the genie he wants a million bucks. Then . . . POOF! A million ducks flew right by him. Dissapointed, the bartender goes behind counter and asks what the genies problem was. The man says, " I don't know . . . do you really think I wished for a 12 in ch pianist???"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By omniman
Little Jack and little Jill were bathing together in the tub. Jill asked,"what's that down there?" Jack shrugged his shoulders ans said,"don't know" Jill asked,"can I play with it?" Jack shakes his head,"no you can't, you broke yours off already, can't trust you with mine!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TRAVIS
A WOMEN GOES TO HER FIRST GOLF LESSON AND THE PRO SHOWS UP AND ASKS HER TO TAKE A SHOT AND DOES AND DUFFS THE SHOT THE PRO SAYS IT APPEARS THAT YOU ARE GRIPPING THE CLUB TO HARD GIP IT AS YOU WOULD YOUR HUSBAND PENIS THE NEXT SHOT SHE TAKES IT GOES GREAT THE PRO SAYS NOW TRY IT WITH THE CLUB IN YOUR HANDS NOT YOUR MOUTH!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Terry Everett
Hey, I got a joke for you. What's black and dangerous? A crow with a machine gun. Well how about this one. What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The Dutchman
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to another?
A: We really do taste like chicken.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nate Jordan
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sean stroik
why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sean stroik
There was a kid with a frog, which he always kept on his shoulder. One day this frog jump off and got hit by a car. The kid was mad that his frog died, and had a idea. He decided to go to a whore house with his frog and when he arrived he asked the girl at the front desk if he could have the girl with herpes. The lady said that there was no girl with herpes. The boy said that he knew that there was one and he wanted it. Well the lady finally said that there is one but she didn't want everybody to know about it. Well the little bot went upstairs and had sex with the girl with herpes. And after they were all done the girl asked him why he had sex with her and the little boy stated that when he gets home he'll have sex with his babysitter, and when his dad gets home he'll take the babysitter home and have sex with her,and when my dad gets back with the babysitter he'll have sex with my mother,and when the milkman comes over he'll have sex with my mother and he is the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog.


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